Angel Town
by tamaraface
Summary: AU Spashley fic. Everyday she comes, with medicine, magazines, and chocolate covered peanuts. Everyday, Spencer comes in a hopelessly small candy striper uniform and tries to get Ashley to stop calling her a naughty nurse.
1. Chocolate Covered Peanuts

**Title: Angel Town**

**Author: Tammie**

**Disclaimer: I sadly do not own "South of Nowhere." Those rights belong to Tom Lynch and The N.**

**Summary: AU SoN fic. Spencer's a candy striper (or I guess they just call them volunteers now) at her mom's hospital where she meets Ashley who's a patient. **

**Rating: I don't know, like PGish, I guess**

**A/N: Basically, I was listening to Shawn Mullins and reading "A Walk to Remeber" for the millionth time and this little plot bunny bred itself. Um, fair warning though, mature content and adult themes lie ahead. Please read and review. Haven't decided if I want to continue, so tell me whether or not I should.**

**A/N (2): I'm not entirely happy with about half of this, but I can't really get it any better, so meh. Let me know if it sucks or not.**

How can she express that being with someone who was dying is the only time she felt alive? It makes more sense in her head. Something about opposites and convolutions and things she can't say out loud. She thinks that there's a fire in the dying that isn't there in the healthy. An acute awareness and a lust for what's left of life. A thirst for every second that only the time-conscious experience. That makes sense, right?

Spencer places four more tiles on the game board in front of her. Only twelve points. She's not sure why Ashley likes this game so much. Not the game in general, but this set; this board. Scrabble is just not that exciting. It never fails though. Everyday, Spencer will come to this room. The biggest one on the highest floor in the private wing. The hospice wing. Everyday she comes, with medicine, magazines, and chocolate covered peanuts. Everyday, Spencer comes in a hopelessly small candy striper uniform and tries to get Ashley to stop calling her a "naughty nurse."

Spencer gives her her medicine; a colorful cocktail of pills Ashley insists do no good but she takes them because Spencer asks nicely. Ashley holds out an impossibly thin arm and Spencer checks her vitals. When Spencer's satisfied with the job she's done, she pulls off the red-and-white striped apron and pulls out the peanuts. Ashley sits up and Spencer gets the old box from Ashley's closet and sets up the game. Spencer doesn't know how long they've been doing this. She remembers the day they started, though. Her mom made her volunteer and helped her make rounds that first day; passing out prescriptions and emptying bedpans. Ashley's room was last.

Ashley with the brown-red hair and the pale skin that still managed to glow. Ashley who's PlayStation was just one of many beeping machines next to her bed. Spencer remembered thinking she was "hauntingly beautiful," with her bloodshot eyes and Cheshire cat smile. Spencer turned over a tiny hand to find a barely-there pulse and they went from strangers to soulmates and three seconds flat. And Ashley could talk. She told Spencer everything, like she hadn't spoken to a person in years, or hadn't wanted to. And Spencer listened, like no one had spoken to her in years. And no one had. Not the way Ashley did.

They talk about music. How boy bands are what's wrong with America. They talk about the weather. And how Califonia is too sunny like Ohio is too sunny. They talk about their parents. And how divorces always suck. They talk about hospitals. And how they all manage to smell like ammonia and the same airplane-ish food. But they don't talk about why Ashley's here. Ashley doesn't bring it up and Spencer doesn't ask her. They just play Scrabble and watch Jerry Springer with the sound off because it's funnier and less annoying that way.

They can pretend they're not in a hospital. That they're just in Ashley's bedroom, and this isn't too much of a stretch because Ashley's room is suprisingly cozy and more lavish and comfortable than her room at home. Or so Ashley says, and Spencer believes her because she's never seen Ashley's house. Here, Ashley's room is just Ashley's room. They're just two sixteen year olds haging out. They can pretend there are no visiting hours. They can pretend the nurses never came as soon as they've left. It's just the two of them. Like it should be.

Spencer watches Ashley as she eats and eyes the game board. She eats each peanut one by one, sucking the chocolate off before chewing while Spencer tries not to notice. There's an iPod between them, an earpiece for each. Straylight Run streams through as Ashley clicks five more lettered pieces into place. She smiles in spite of herself and dances in her seat, hair and jewlery bounce as she singsongs, "Triple wordscore: Herpes!" Spencer laughs with her and looks at the eyes brown as the chocolate sticking to Ashley's fingers and wonders how in the world she ever fell in love with a girl like Ashley Davies.


	2. Guitar Picks and Life Lines

**Disclaimer: Standard applies. Nothing's mine except what is. **

**A/N: Feedback is love, people. Like it? Don't? Let me know. I have chapter three ready for posting, but if I don't get any reviews, on my HD it stays.**

Ashley sits in her mess of sheets and blankets and considers pitching the idea of the queen-size hospital bed to Serta. Her iPod in her ears and wireless controller in her hand, she drives through "San Andreas," hums along to Gary Allan, and tries to ignore that dull pain in her chest. She's about to steal a '64 Mustang when the door cracks open. She has to lean forward a bit, but she can see Spencer behind a curtain of golden-brown hair walking in backwards and pulling a MediCart. Ashley frowns because Spencer's early and that means she'll have other patients to attend to. But Spencer's all head-tilted smiles and that makes Ashley feel better.

There are few things Ashley is greatful for. One of them is the makeup that manages to hide the dark circles under her eyes. Another is Spencer Carlin. Ashley isn't sure why Spencer comes to see her everyday without fail. She knows it's not because Spencer pities her. Well, she think she knows. She likes to think it because Spencer feels at least an inkling of what Ashley does. She has to think that because thinking it could be anything else makes Ashley feel sicker than she already is. It has to be. Spencer doesn't have to spend so much time with Ashley. She knows Spencer doesn't spend this much time on any other patients. So Spencer must want to see her. She must care about her, if not just a little bit. She watches Spencer park the cart in front of her and tries to remember if anyone else has ever cared about her.

Ashley's feeling a little parched and she is greatful when Spencer hands her a plastic cup with her plastic pills and drinks the water down greedily. She doesn't care when she feels the water dripping down her chin, but looks up sharply when she feels Spencer's fingers wipe it away from her lips before she can. She doesn't say anything. And Spencer just keeps looking at her with those too-blue eyes like she's waiting for something. After a beat or two Spencer just takes back the cup Ashley's been gripping with white knuckles. Duh.

Spencer turns and replaces the cup and almost hesitates for a second, Ashley notices. Spencer moves to quickly shut the door and sits down heavily across from Ashley, dipping the mattress. She's smiling when she gropes around the cart before producing a small black velvet box and thrusting it at Ashley. Ashley raises an inquisitive eyebrow and Spencer rolls her eyes, sighs loudly, and tells her to just open it. Ashley does and can't help the gasp that squeaks past her lips. It's just a necklace. A lot like the one she told Spencer she'd lost last month and they'd spent the better part of a day looking for. A simple silver chain with a guitar pick as a pendant. But this wasn't the deep red one her dad had given her with her very first guitar. This one had her name ornated in gold. This one was impossibly blue. The same blue as Spencer's eyes. Ashley's thinking it. Spencer's thinking it. And they're both wondering if Spencer did that on purpose.

Ashley's trying to think of something better to say than thank you and Spencer's gently taking the box from her. She removes the necklace and nimble fingers undo the clasp, dance past Ashley's tiny shoulders and auburn curls to secure it around her neck. Spencer touches the pick that rests just below the dip in Ashley's throat almost as if satistied it belongs there. Her fingers linger just a second too long when Ashley decides that thank you will suffice. Spencer smiles and pats Ashley's denim clad knee and tells her she's welcome. Ashley doesn't think about it when she closes the distance between them and throws her lanky arms around Spencer's neck, pulling her into a hug. She feels Spencer stiffen because they've never been this close before and she thinks for a second she's done the wrong thing, but when Spencer's head turns into her neck and Ashley feels Spencer's arms circle her waist she knows it's okay. She swears she hears Spencer sigh before she pulls back.

Ashley is about to thank Spencer again but Spencer leans in and kisses Ashley's cheek, far too close to her lips. Then she is kissing Ashley's lips. She's kissing Ashley and it's soft and gentle and better than Ashley is embarrassed to admit she's spent hours imagining. It's an incredibly bad idea, getting involved this way. So Ashley pushes her away. Not immediately, of course. Because she wants this too. She's kissing Spencer back because that's what you do when someone you love is kissing you. No, Ashley lets herself be thoroughly kissed before placing a shaking hand on Spencer's shoulder and pushing her back ever so gently.

Ashley doesn't know what to say. She knows exactly what _not_ to say: I love you, I need you, do that again. She knows that's what she wants to say. And the look on Spencer's face tells her that's what Spencer wants to hear. This is a very bad idea, but Ashley doesn't want to say that either. She knows they shouldn't do this. She knows Spencer knows they shouldn't do this. But she wants it anyway. Wants it more than she can remember ever wanting anything. She's torn, inside and out and she can't look at Spencer anymore.

She looks at her hands. One of Spencer's is sandwiched between them and she can't remember when that happened. She laces her fingers with Spencer's breifly before turning Spencer's hand over in hers and tracing the lines she finds there. Ashley saw a fortune teller once. When she was eleven. Madame Zoltanne had read her palm and told her that she was going to live a long and healthy life. Ashley had rolled that stupid crystal ball off the table and watched it shatter before taking her ten dollars back and storming out. Ashley tries to remeber which lines are supposed to be which when Spencer breaks the silence and asks her what she's doing.

"I'm checking your life line. I wanna know if your gonna be around for a while." Ashley realizes the irony of what she says as soon as she says it. She knows it's stupid and kind of insensitive, and she wants to take it back because Spencer snatches her hand away.

Before Ashley can apolgize, Spencer gets up and Ashley can feel the mattress rise with the absence of her weight. Ashley stands up too, she wants to stop Spencer from leaving. But she forgets about the needle in her arm until it pinches, hard, reminding her. And she stood up too fast, she feels dizzy and she knows the room shouldn't be spinning. Her arms flail out, trying to find something to grab onto. Spencer catches them both and helps Ashley sit back down. Ashley has to close her eyes for a moment and Spencer doesn't let go until she opens them again. Ashley lets out a shaky breath and Spencer releases her, prepares to leave. Ashley prepares to let her because she knows she should. But she can't stop herself from asking.

"Are you gonna come back?"

Spencer turns. "Do you want me to?"

Ashley considers. She really stops for a second and thinks about it. She wants her to. She really wants her to. She knows what'll happen if Spencer does come back. She knows that they won't be able to stop it. She knows now that Spencer wants it every bit as much as she does. She knows how stupid it would be for the two of them to get any more involved. She knows how stupid it is for them to have let it get this far. She knows what her head is telling her. But she also knows what her heart is screaming through a megaphone. So she considers. And she answers rather quickly.

"Yes."


	3. Seagulls

**Disclaimer: I only own the stuff that's mine, and that's very little. I don't know if I'm supposed to disclaim the lines I borrow from the show, but I did, so I am. And I stole that one line from "The Notebook" because I had to and it's like the best movie ever.**

**A/N: Right now, I'm writing like crazy because I can't get this story out of my head, but I don't want to spoil you guys and update too often. Sorry, but I tend to write in fragments, I know I shouldn't and you'd think an Honors student would know better, but I can't help it, so sorry. I love reviews and LOVE specifics, so leave them please. Here's a longish update to tide you guys over until I get the next one done.**

Ashley got tired of waiting. She tried to, though. She did. But that little pink pill that's supposed to help the nausea makes her drowsy. She closed her eyes to rest, just for a second, but she fell asleep. Spenceer wants to get back to Ashley as soon as she can, but her mother isn't making it easy. She keeps saddling Spencer with jobs to do like she's here to work or something. Oh right, she is, she forgot. Spencer's volunteering stopped being about getting work done the second she met Ashley. It scared her at first. How quickly she fell for Ashley. Somewhere between thesoap operasand the protein injections, it happened. Spencer thinks it's called "falling in love" for this reason. Because it happens so quickly. If she had "walked into love" she could've stopped it. She could've turned the other way and avoided the whole thing.

Spencer knows this is a bad idea. She knows it's one of the worst things she could be doing. She has so many other things to be thinking about. The last thing she should be doing is getting herself involved with this girl. And it's not just because she's a girl. Really, it's not. Spencer's covered the whole "gay thing" and she's quite over it. Girls, she could handle. Ashley, now she was a different matter entirely. She'd heard a lot about Ashley. Nurses gossip like teenage girls and Spencer hears a lot of dissuading things about her. But Ashley makes her feel good. Makes her feel like she's actually doing something right for once and life doesn't just suck complete ass. And she knows she makes Ashley feel better. When Spencer came back that second time, Ashley told her that she'd had a completely above average day and Spencer said she had too. And it was true. Ashley was either the best thing to happen to her or the worst. Spencer wasn't sure which.

She doesn't get back to Ashley's room until she's supposed to go home. Visiting hours are over, but Spencer knows the nurse on duty and is able to sweet-talk her way past her. She knocks on Ashley's door but pushes it open before she gets an answer. Ashley's fallen asleep and Spencer smiles when she sees this because Ashley snores a little. Spencer takes a seat next to Ashley at the foot of the bed because that's where she's fallen asleep. The hospital-regulation paper pants Ashely's wearing are riding low so Spencer can see Ashley's stomach where her wife-beater's ridden up. Spencer notices a ghost of a scar on the inside of Ashley's ribs and winces because she can guess where it came from.

Spencer's eyes dart up to Ashley's face when she stirs. Ashley throws a tired arm over her eyes and murmurs in her sleep. Spencer reaches out and takes hold of a delicate wrist and lifts Ashley's arm away from her face. Ashley's eyes roll open lazily and she has to blink a couple times to clear the sleep away. Chocolate brown eyes focus on ice blue onesand Ashley tries to sit up but can only manage to prop herself up on her elbow. She waits for Spencer to speak first because she doesn't trust her voice right now.

"Hey." Spencer says.

"Hey." Ashley croaks back. Spencer's gotten used to this and she doesn't need to ask why Ashley's voice is so raspy.

"I'm sorry." Spencer tries to collect her thoughts, tries to think of a reason to justify her behavior. Finally she just settles for the truth. "But I couldn't deal with not being with you."

"I'm not easy," Ashley breathes.

"That's not what I heard." Ashley smiles a little, which is all Spencer really wanted.

"I meant to be with." And Spencer knows this. She knows Ashley means in more ways than one. But Spencer also knows how she feels. She may be scared, but love trumps fear, everytime.

"I know," she says. And Ashley asks her if she does. If she really does. Because this isn't something to be entered into lightly. Wherever they go from here, some days are going to be harder than the really hard days and none of it's going to be easy. Spencer takes Ashley's hand and thinks that this is easy. If they keep it simple, they can make it work. One day at a time, like they do everything else. And Spencer knows. She loves Ashley. Ashley loves her. It's as simple and difficult as that.

Ashley's tired again. She thinks about putting her head in Spencer's lap because she doesn't have the energy to hold it up anymore. But Spencer just draws her legs up and lays down next to Ashley, so Ashley lies back down too. Close enough that most of them is touching. Spencer rests her forehead against Ashley's and watches as her eyes close. Spencer's afraid to close her eyes, she wants to be sure Ashley will be there when she wakes up. When she's convinced she will be, Spencer wraps an arm around Ashley's tiny waist and falls asleep too.

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There's a small hand shaking her shoulder when Spencer's woken up. It's still dark out and Spencer doesn't know why Ashley would wake her up in the middle of the night. Unless something was wrong. Spencer is immediately awake and reaching for the call button when Ashley catches her hand and tells her, no, she's okay. Ashley looks at Spencer and even in the dark Spencer can see the change in her eyes. The calm that's usually there is replaced by frantic almost-worry and Spencer asks her what's wrong.

"You wanna get out of here?" Ashley asks her. "You wanna just go somewhere? Right now, you and me?" And Ashley's up and out of bed before Spencer can tell her no.

"Ashley, stop. You know you can't leave."

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't," Spencer reiterates. This is stupid. She still has an IV needle in her-- no, she's pulling it out. "Ash! What the hell?"

"Empty," Ashley says, tapping the drained bag on the IV pole to illustrate her point. "I'm all rehydrated now, I don't need it anyway."

"You still can't leave." But Ashley's already stepping out of her pants and pulling on jeans that she's gotten too small for. "What do you think's gonna happen when the nurses come to check on you and your bed's empty?"

"We won't be gone that long," Ashley insists, still undressing right in front of Spencer. "I just...I--I really need to get out of here, Spence. And I'm really hoping you'll come with me."

Spencer doesn't even try to argue anymore. She knows she'll give in. She can't say no to Ashley. She just helps Ashley into the rest of her clothes and gives Ashley her belt because Ashley's pants look like they're about to fall off. It really isn't that hard to sneak out. The security guards don't notice or don't care and the nurses aren't even paying attention. Before they get to the lot where Spencer has her car parked, Ashley snatches a surgical mask from a nearby dolly and secures it over her mouth. Spencer takes her hand and leads them through the maze of cars until they find hers and just drive.

There's a surprising amount of traffic at 2:30 in the morning but neither girl seems to care. Spencer has the CD player turned on and Ashley makes air waves outside the window to the sounds of Marisa Lauren. Spencer has loaned her two sweatshirts and Ashley keeps tugging the sleeves over her hands because she's still cold and not even LA nights are warm enough for her. Spencer makes her shut the window. Ashley sees an exit sign and tells Spencer to turn off. Here.

Spencer pulls the car into park and lets the engine idle for a moment. In all the time she's ben in LA, she can't believe she's never been to the beach. Ashley pulls her sweatshirts tighter around her and shoves her hands in the pocket once she's out of the car. Spencer quickly falls into step beside her and reaches into Ashley's pocket to take hold of a cool hand. About 10 feet from the water, Ashley suddenly stops and sits down so quickly Spencer thinks she's fallen. But she hasn't, she just pulls Spencer down next to her. After Spencer sits down, Ashley moves as close as possible before just climbing into Spencer's lap all together. Spencer doesn't object when Ashley straddles her waist and buries her face in the crook of Spencer's neck. She just wraps her arms around Ashley's slender frame and rubs her back to try and keep her from shaking.

"Spence?" Ashley breathes.

"Hmm?"

"You believe in God, right?" Ashley turns her head to the inside of Spencer's neck to sheild herself from the wind. Spencer's really warm.

"Yeah. I do."

"Do you believe in heaven?" The hand moving in slow circles on Ashley's lower back stills. Just for a second, but Ashley notices. Spencer doesn't like where this is going. She want to say so, but she doesn't want to make Ashley angry.

"Yes."

"Why?" Ashley asks. And she isn't being indignant or deprecating, she's honestly just curious.

"I don't know." And she doesn't. Spencer never really thought about it. It was always just a given. She's still uncomfortable with this conversation.

"I think I like reincarnation better," Ashley says matter-of-factly. "I'd rather come back." Spencer thinks that maybe that's okay.

"What do you wanna be?"

"A seagull," Ashley says without hesitation. "So I can stay by the ocean." Spencer smiles into Ashley's hair because she can't picture Ashley anywhere else. Spencer tightens her hold on Ashley when she feels her shiver.

Ashley dips her head a little and presses a kiss to Spencer's bare shoulder. Even through the mask she's wearing, Spencer can feel her lips. "You have to be a seagull too, 'kay?"

"Of course," Spencer says, entirely serious. "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." And Spencer nudges Ashley just enough so she sits up. Spencer reaches out a hand and rolls down the mask even though she knows she shouldn't. Ashley doesn't stop her and Spencer kisses her as softly and quickly as she can before replacing the mask. Ashley leans closer and whispers, it's muffled but Spencer can hear it. She smiles and whispers back that she loves Ashley too.

**A/N: I don't think I mentioned before, but this fic is taking place in the summer because I'm lazy and I don't want to write around them going to school, plus this way they get to spend more time together. Now, kindly hit that little button in the corner of the screen and tell me what you think. If I get enough reviews, you'll get an update tomorrow.**


	4. Five More Minutes

**Disclaimer: They're not mine. Don't sue.**

**A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. Bittersweet is really what I'm going for, so I'm glad you're all taking it well. Keep the feedback coming and feel free to mention what you like or even dislike about the story so I can make it better. I didn't really proofread this chapter because I really wanted to post, so there are probably mistakes scattered about. AND I've been getting some inquiries as to what Ashley's condition is specifically, but I've decided that I don't want to reveal it in the story. Allusion makes for more enthralling writing, I think. Plus, if you don't know what it is, then you won't know if I get the symptoms wrong. If you really, desperately need to know, I can disclose all when the story's done.**

Spencer manages to get Ashley back to the hospital without incident. She was a little worried when Ashley couldn't stop shivering, but Spencer wrapped her up in blankets and she warmed up pretty quickly. She was asleep again as soon as her head hit the pillow, and none of the nurses object when Spencer sneaks out of Ashley's room. Spencer doesn't get home until the sky starts to lighten and that's when she remembers she probably should have called.

"Spencer, where the hell have you been?" Yeah, she difinitely should've called.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I was with Ashley."

"Until dawn? You couldn't pick up a phone? I was up worrying all night, Spencer. You didn't answer your cell, either." Spencer doesn't want to apologize again and she doesn't know what else to say. "Spencer, I don't have a problem with you spending time with your friends, you just have to tell me first. Don't make me worry."

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry." Spencer half-expects to get grounded or at least lectured, but she's just sent to her room.

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A loud ringing pulls Spencer out of her sleep and a blind arm flies out to the nightstand to silence an alarm clock. When that doesn't work, Spencer realizes that the ringing is coming from her cell phone somewhere one the floor. She flips it open and presses it to her ear, but she's still half asleep and forgets to say hello.

"Spence? You there?" comes Ashley's voice from over the line. And Spencer's awake again.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm here."

"Baby, I got good news for you." Spencer can't not smile when Ashley calls her baby.

"What's that?"

"Dr. Bryce said that my levels are down and I gained seven pounds. He's gonna let me take the day. I guess he didn't find out about last night," she laughed. "We can do whatever you want."

"Really? You can spend the whole day with me? You don't want to see your parents?"

"Hell no. They can get off their asses and come and see me, I'm spending today with my girl. Can you be ready in, like half an hour?" Spencer thinks she'd be ready in half a second if Ashley asked her to.

"I'll be waiting."

Spencer is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in fifteen minutes. She only had to change her outfit twice. Clay and her father are downstairs eating in front of the TV when Spencer makes it to the front door. And she's so close, her hand is on the door knob and everything, when her dad stops her. Asks her where she thinks she's going. It's Saturday morning.

"I have plans with Ashley." And her dad rises from the couch.

"You saw her yesterday. You _were_ out with her all night. Don't you think maybe you should give each other a break?"

"No," Spencer answers simply. Clay can sense the tension and promptly excuses himself.

"Spencer, I don't know if I like the idea of you spending so much time with this girl. I don't know anything about her, I've never even met her." As if on que, a horn honks outside.

"That's Ashley, I gotta go." But Spencer can't go because her father's hand is on the door and she can't open it when he's in the way. "Dad."

"She can come in and say hi," and his voice is soft, so Spencer is too worried. But Ashley doesn't know she's supposed to come to the door. Spencer was just going to meet her outside. It's a full five minutes before the door bell rings and Spencer's dad insisted that Ashley come to the door. Spencer pulls it open all too happily, her dad right behind her.

"Hey," Ashley breathes through a smile. She sees Mr. Carlin over Spencer's shoulder and actually stands up straighter.

"Hello, Ashley. I'm Spencer's dad," he all but knocks Spencer out of the way to shake Ashley's hand because now he understands, and he can see where Spencer's secrecy and reluctance came from and why, and he wishes Spencer had trusted him with this sooner. He was supposed to be the cool parent.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. C.," and Ashley almost loses her hand in his.

"Oh, please, call me Arthur. And come in, come in." He steps aside and lets both girls pass before ushering them into the living room to sit.

After they've exhausted all the small talk Spencer insists that they need to go, they have plans. And Arthur manages to get Spencer alone in the kitchen to talk to her. Spencer can't meet her father's eyes because she knows what he's going to say and she really doesn't want to cry right now. She takes a deep breath and waits for her dad to tell what she already knows and prays Ashley can't hear them.

"Spencer..." he starts. But he doesn't know where to go from there. So he just asks. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What difference would it have made? It doesn't matter," but Spencer knows that's the complete opposite of true.

"Of course it matters, Spencer." He leans forward a little bit and lowers his voice, like he's going to tell a secret. "Ashley's obviously very sick."

"I don't need you to tell me that."

"Well, honey, I'm worried for you. Both of you. I don't want you getting into something you're not prepared to handle." Spencer scoffs at that. Does he honestly think Spencer hasn't run that through her head about a million times?

"Don't start shrinking me, Dad. I know...I know, okay?"

"I only want what's best for you, sweetheart. I just want you to be happy."

"I am." Arthur lets her go. He doesn't want to, but he does because sometimes parenting means letting your kids make their own mistakes. He does invite Ashley to dinner, though. He doesn't add that even his cooking is better than hospital food.

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A couple hours later finds Spencer and Ashley back at the beach. They'd had a long day. They spent an hour or so walking down Melrose, trying find new clothes that fit Ashley better. Spencer got a henna tattoo to match the real one on Ashley's lower back. They bought smoothies and Ashley pointed out all the drug paraphanelia being sold right out in the open on Venice beach and Spencer grimaced at the muscle-bound masses lifting weights that weighed more than she did. Around three, they got a late lunch. Lunch was two hot dogs each with everything on them. They gave five dollars to a girl singing and strumming on a corner for change. Spencer insisted that Ashley would sound better.

They'd found an empty stretch of beach to watch the sun go down but Ashley was adamant about chasing the tide and seagulls first. Spencer watched her from her seat in the sand as Ashley ran after a pack of birds with her arms spread wide. But Ashley got bored quickly and decided to make a sand castle. When that doesn't work, she settles for just drawing in the sand. She drags her bare heel to shape the words. Spencer can't see what she's writing from where she is. Ashley looks up for a moment and blows Spencer a kiss before returning to the task at hand. She calls Spencer over when she's done and steps back to admire her work before Spencer reaches her.

Ashley's obviously very proud and she's grinning from ear to ear. Spencer looks down and "Ashley loves Spencer" is scrawled in foot-long letters. Spencer smiles, leans over, and writes "Spencer loves Ashley more" just below it with her finger. It's decidedly smaller but far more legible. Ashley all but jumps into Spencer's arms and tells her that that's not possible. Ashley is small enough that Spencer can spin her around until they can't stop laughing.

They sit and watch the sky turn from blue to red to greyish-gold before Spencer tells Ashley that they should get going, they promised her dad they'd be back for dinner. Ashley just leans back in Spencer's arms and tells her she wants five more minutes. Spencer would give her forever if she could but five more minutes sounds a lot more feasable. Five more minutes and the sun's kissing the horizon and Ashley's kissing Spencer and neither of them notice as the tide slowly washes their words away.


	5. Love and Basketball

**Disclaimer: Don't own, seriously.**

**A/N: I know this update came a lot slower than the others, but school and whatnot. Um, I got some requests for more conflict in the story, I figured that Ashley dying was conflict enough, but if y'all really want more I'm sure I could work something out, so let me know. Aside from that whole thing, this piece is going to be mostly fluffy because I'm a total girl and that's what I like to write. Ididn't proofread but I did run it through a spell checker, though there might be errors still. Feedback is love.**

It's a little late when Spencer and Ashley make it home. Granted, it's still just barely light out but it's still past dinner time. Ashley feels bad because she's sure she made them miss dinner and she doesn't want Arthur to be worried. She let's Spencer out of the car because she's supposed to head back. Spencer turns and looks back inside the car once she's shut the door and smiles at Ashley, thanking her for today. Ashley thinks it's a little ridiculous, Spencer thanking her. After all, Spencer had made Ashley's year, spending today with her. But she just smiles and tells Spencer that it was no problem.

Ashley watches Spencer walk to the door, her ponytail swaying with each step, and Ashley can't believe how much she loves her. Spencer pauses before going inside and glances back at Ashley over her shoulder and smiles again. Ashley's almost embarrassed for staring so she turns back to her steering wheel but can't help it when the corners of her mouth turn up.

When Arthur asks Spencer where Ashley is as she comes through the door, Spencer tells him that she had to go back to the hospital and she's sorry she couldn't stay for dinner. Turn's out dinner is a large pizza from Domino's because Arthur burnt the roast again. Spencer thinks it's kind of sad that her dad can't manage to cook anything but pasta, but loves him for trying. She grabs a slice of the cold pizza and heads up to her room. She pauses for a second next to her father and gives him a peck on the cheek, swatting lightly as she does the apron he's wearing that says "Kiss the Chef."

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Spencer hears a ringing just as she's about to fall asleep. This time Spencer knows it's her phone because Ashley programmed it to play "Barbie Girl" when she calls. Spencer flips it open in the dark and manages something that isn't quite hello.

"I can't sleep," Ashley whines. She sounds pretty sleepy to Spencer.

Spencer can't seem to form coherent sentences right now because she was having no trouble sleeping, but Ashley tells her to tell her something, anything, so Spencer finds her voice. Spencer tells Ashley whatever she can that Ashley doesn't already know. She tells Ashley about the first day Clay spent with them, officially a part of the family. She tells Ashley about Glen's first basketball game and how she had cheered herself hoarse. She tells Ashley about the time she fell off the pyramid at cheerleading practice and sprained her wrist. It's hard for Spencer to believe that she'd had a life before Ashley, but she did. And Spencer's half-asleep at this point and is sure that whatever she's mumbling isn't even English. Ashley hasn't said anything for awhile and Spencer wonders if she's still awake.

"Ash?"

"Hmm," Ashley murmurs.

"You still awake?"

"Hmm," Ashley says again. Ashley clears her throat again before telling Spencer, yes, she's still awake. Spencer remembers Ashley was doing that a lot today, clearing her throat. And coughing, too. Spencer tries not to worry about that. "Spence? You don't have to talk anymore. Just don't hang up."

"I won't," Spencer promises. "I love you, Ashley." Spencer hears what she's pretty sure is "Love you, too." She closes her eyes and focuses on Ashley's breathing as she slumbers, listening as Ashley coughs in her sleep and Spencer tries _really _hard not to worry about that.

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Spencer is back in Ashley's room as soon as she's able. They're sitting on Ashley's bed, watching Sunday morning cartoons and Spencer has Ashley's hand in hers, painting her nails the same soft pink she's already painted Ashley's toes. Ashley said she didn't like this pink but Spencer's painting, so Spencer decides. Ashley's hands are bit too unsteady to do her own nails, plus Spencer's enjoying it.

"Ahem," Ashley clears her throat. Spencer watches as she leans over and picks up her Oxygen, securing the hose around her ears then nose. Spencer must have a worried look on her face because Ashley glances at her and is quick to reassure her. "I'm _fine_." Ashley gestures at the open bottle of nail polish remover, "Acetone smell just makes me nauseous."

Later, after Ashley's finished eating what passes for lunch, there's a knock at the door. Ashley yells for whoever it is to come in. Spencer expects another nurse and is surprised to see a very handsome boy round the corner into Ashley's room. Spencer's even more surprised to see Ashley's face light up at the sight of him.

"Aiden!" Ashley exclaims. "You're back early!" The boy leans over and wraps Ashley in a big hug. Spencer wrinkles her nose, did this guy swim in his after shave?

"Did you bring me anything?" Ashley asks as soon as Aiden let's her go. Aiden laughs and pulls a paper bag from Carl's Junior out from behind his back.

"Criss-cut fries with extra chili."

"Oh, my hero. Real food!" Ashley takes the bag from him and starts into the fries like she hadn't just eaten five minutes ago. Her appetite was just one of the many things about Ashley that never failed to amaze Spencer. Another was her complete lack of table manners. "Oh, Aiden," Ashley says around a mouthful of fries. "This is my girl Spencer." She points at Spencer with her fork before going back to her food.

"Hey, it's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you," Aiden reaches a hand around Ashley to shake Spencer's hand.

"Really," Spencer's asked. "I've heard almost nothing about you." Spencer hopes that doesn't sound as rude out loud as it does in her head.

"Well, I'm not surprised. Ashley does have a tendency to center her conversations around herself." Ashley turns to Aiden and sticks her tongue out at him. He does the same and makes a reach for one of Ashley's fries, but Ashley slaps his hand away.

"Aiden was at sleep away camp," Ashley says, finally turning her attention back to Spencer.

"It was a basketball clinic!" Aiden corrects. Ashley says she fails to see the difference and Aiden actually pouts for a second, but Ashley smiles at him and the pout melts away. This time she lets him take a fry from her plate.

Spencer thinks she's had enough of this. This is weird, she's uncomfortable, and it's really warm in here. She gathers up her things to leave and is almost surprised Ashley notices. Ashley wants to know where she's going, why she's leaving, and if she'll be back. Spencer says she doesn't know, to everything, because she just has to go. She doesn't like the way Aiden and Ashley were looking at each other and all she could think about on the way to the elevator was they way Ashley was smiling at Aiden and how she always smiled at Spencer like that.

**A/N: I'm not entirely happy with this update, but there it is. Please review, and maybe I'll get an update up today or tomorrow.**


	6. Cherries

**A/N: It's pretty sad that I had to beg for reviews, but hey, it worked. Okay, gonna be wrapping this up pretty soon. I know how I want to end it, it's just a matter of getting there. Please, keep the comments and feedback coming, it really helps me along. Oh, and brace yourselves, people. Sad stuff ahead.**

Spencer's phone is ringing again. She knows it's Ashley and she knows she should answer, but she's still mad. She doesn't even know why she's mad, Ashley didn't even do anything. She's just being suspicious and jealous and stupid because Ashley loves her, Spencer really has nothing to worry about. But she can't answer her phone. She just lets it ring. And ring and ring. Then she has to turn it off because that stupid song is starting to annoy her.

Spencer hears her father yelling for her downstairs. It's dinner time. Spencer takes her seat at the table across from Clay and takes his and her father's hands in hers as they say grace. Spencer's afraid her dad is going to ask her why she hasn't been taking Ashley's calls. She knows Ashley's tried the house line a couple of times. But Clay is talking about summer school and the Physics program at the junior college and Spencer's glad because no one could get a word in edgewise if they'd wanted to.

When Spencer gets back upstairs there are three missed calls and a voice message waiting for her, all from Ashley. She doesn't want to, and she waits until after ten when she cant take it anymore, but Spencer speed-dials her voice mail and lifts the phone as Ashley's tired voice greets her ear.

"Hey, Spence. It's me, Ashley. But, you know that, obviously. Look, I'm sorry. I'm not too sure what I did, but I'm sorry. If the Aiden thing freaked you out or whatever, you don't have to worry about it. We're really just friends, alright, we're not--Ugh, just call me, okay? Please? Bye. Love you." When Spencer closes her phone, she feels worse than before. Obviously they were just friends. She feels awful for ever thinking otherwise.

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Ashley couldn't sleep. Like all night. She kept tossing and turning and the oxygen tubes were starting to make her nose itch. She can't stand it when Spencer's mad at her. She doesn't even know why Spencer's mad, she didn't even do anything. Ashley can't figure out why Spencer got so upset when Aiden stopped by. They were just friends. Besides SPencer, Aiden was the only person that mattered in Ashley's life that wasn't wearing scrubs or a white coat. She was allowed to have other friends, wasn't she? She hadn't seen Aiden since he left at the beginning of the summer and he was just saying hi. There was certainly no reason for Spencer to go and get ten kinds of anal and storm out like that. Though, Ashley does think it's cute that Spencer's jealous. But she can't sleep. By the time ten in the morning rolls around, Ashley decides to stop trying.

When her phone rings, Ashley trips over the bed getting to it. She has to supress a few curse words. "Hello?"

"Ash, hey," and Ashley's grinning at the sound of Spencer's voice.

"Hey. Are you coming by today? Because I think we need to talk about yesterday."

"Well, we can talk now can't we?"

"No," Ashley says, glancing at the clock. "It's almost eleven. I have to go to--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Um, then I'll drop by later. If you're up to it?"

"Always. I'll see you, babe." Ashley says I love you and goodbye and hangs up before Spencer can reply likewise.

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Spencer gets to Ashley's room after dinner. Ashley's lying on her stomach with her headphones on, reading a magazine and finishing a red popsicle. She doesn't hear Spencer come in and nearly kicks Spencer because her legs are swinging pretty hard. Spencer reaches over and swats Ashley's butt to get her attention. Ashley jumps a little and rolls over. Her frown disappears when she sees Spencer.

"Now, Spencer, you know I don't like it rough." Spencer rolls her eyes, but she's smiling. Ashley takes her hand and pulls Spencer down next to her. Ashley looks tired. She's not wearing any makeup and Spencer can see the dark circles under her eyes and just how pale the rest of her is. Spencer can't help thinking that she still looks so beautiful. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" Ashley shouldn't be sorry. Spencer was the one who got all huffy and overeacted.

"For whatever I did that upset you," one of Ashley's hands reaches out absently and starts playing with a piece of Spencer's hair. "You know I'd never do anything to make you angry."

"I know that. I was being stupid." Ashley asks her if it was because of Aiden. Spencer can feel herself blushing for being so mistrustful. Ashley's hand leaves Spencer's hair and turns to soothe Spencer's enflamed cheek.

"Look, Spencer. Aiden is just a friend. He's really the only one I have. Besides you."

"But," Spencer presses, "you guys looked really...comfortable."

"Okay, maybe we knew each other once. But it was just a phase."

"A phase?" Spencer scoots back, putting some distance between her and Ashley before she just decides to stand up. "A phase is like a low-carb diet. Not who you wake up next to." Spencer paces a little bit before sitting on the couch in the corner of the room. She doesn't know why she'd been so naive. Obviously there had been people in Ashley's life before her. But the idea that anyone else had been close to Ashley made Spencer want to break things. After a moment, Ashley rose and took a seat next to Spencer.

"I'm sorry," Ashley shrugs. "I should've told you before but I didn't think it mattered. Whatever was between me and Aiden is beyond over."

"You swear?"

"I promise you, Spence." Ashley smiles. "You know I'm all yours." Spencer reaches over and pulls Ashley into her lap. Then Spencer kisses Ashley and tells her she tastes like cherries. Spencer loves cherries.

----------------------------------------------------

Spencer and Ashley are spooned in Ashley's bed when Ashley wakes Spencer up. She's coughing a bit and trying to be quiet but Spencer's lying too close. Spencer waits for Ashley to calm down and when she does, she rolls over in Spencer's arms so Spencer can rub her back. Even though her face is turned into Spencer's arm, Spencer can tell Ashley's uncomfortable. Abruptly, Ashley sits up and starts coughing again. Rather hard. Spencer turns on the light over the bed and puts a hand on Ashley's shoulder, asks her if she needs anything.

"Water," Ashley manages. Spencer pours her a glass from the pitcher on Ashley's nightstand and hands it to her.

Ashley mumbles a thank you before trying to take a sip. But she's still coughing and almost chokes on the water, spraying it everywhere. Spencer takes the cup from her before Ashley spills it. Ashley turns her face away from Spencer as she coughs. She's kind of having trouble taking in air. She grabs a tissue and covers her mouth with it because she's still coughing. She keeps making wheezing noises and it's starting to scare Spencer. After a minute, Ashley stops coughing, but she's still panting. And she looks scared.

Spencer looks over and sees blood in Ashley's hand. Ashley looks up at her with wide eyes and tells Spencer to get a nurse.

**A/N: Yeah, I hate cliff hangers too. Sorry if there were typos. I tend not to proofread until after I post. I'll update ASAP, but review and I'll update faster. I'm thinking one or two more chapters and an epilogue will finish this up.**


	7. Let Go

**Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I probably stole it from somewhere. That on line is from BtVS. Don't sue, I got no money.**

**A/N: Almost done! Not quite as happy with some of this update. Mmkay, so there's a flashback scene in this update andit's denoted by italics if that's not obvious. I kinda think some of it came off a bit maudlin and cliché, but what are you gonna do? Grab the Kleenex, folks. Please review.**

Spencer isn't quite sure what happened then. She remembers running to the nurse's station. She remembers Ashley coughing again as she ran. She remembers being told to leave and being shuffled away before saying goodbye to Ashley. She remembers calling her dad to pick her up because she didn't trust herself to drive. Most of all, Spencer remembers the fear in Ashley's eyes when she left.

Spencer can't go back to sleep when she gets home. All she can think about is Ashley. Once, Spencer asked Ashley if she was afraid. Afraid of dying. Ashley told her she was, but she was more afraid of living. Because the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

Spencer remembers that they were lying in Ashley's bed. Spencer was on her back and Ashley on hers with her head pillowed on Spencer's stomach and Spencer was dragging lazy fingers through Ashley's hair.

That was the first and only time they'd talked about it. Spencer had grown tired of overlooking the subject and she had never been good at ignoring elephants in the room. So Spencer finally just asked. Point blank. And Ashley had been a long time answering. So long Spencer thought she had dozed off. But Ashley had answered.

"_I'm not as scared as I was once," Ashley said. She was speaking very softly. "I used to worry about it a lot. Back when my parents were together and here all the time. When I was in intensive care a lot, before all this--" Ashley gestured vaguely around the room and Spencer knew she meant in hospice._

"_My parents, when they visited," Ashley had continued, "they looked at me like they thought I might break. I couldn't stand it. I felt like they were waiting for it to happen so they could be rid of the whole thing. Like dealing with a sick kid was a waste of their time and effort. I felt like I was burdening them or something and they couldn't wait for me to just die already and get it over with. So it was all I could think about._

"_What it would be like when I died. For me and for everyone else. If anyone would come to my funeral. If anyone would even care. If there really was a heaven or hell or if you just stopped being. I thought about it over and over for the longest time, Spence." She glanced up for a second. "Not much else to do in these places."_

_Ashley sat up and took Spencer's hand. She couldn't look at Spencer because she'd known Spencer would've been close to tears and she would've lost it. "I used to think that no one cared about me, until I met you. I know how dumb and girly that sounds, but it's true." She looked up at Spencer then and they were both crying a little. "I look at you and I know, I **know** there has to be more than this. Something or someplace better where none of this matters and it's just us. Like it should be. It isn't possible for me to love you this much and then this just be it. Because this--" Ashley motioned between them-- "This is what it's all about."_

Ashley told Spencer that she wasn't so scared anymore. She'd smiled, cupped Spencer's cheek, and told Spencer that she was worth every second. Ashley had made Spencer promise not to cry for her. Because Ashley couldn't bear to see Spencer's tears knowing she'd put them there. So Spencer tried, really hard, but sometimes she couldn't help it. When Spencer went to shower, she'd turned the water on hot enough to scald her skin. But Spencer just sat next to the tub, almost drowning in steam, withwater running from the faucet and spilling from her eyes.

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Clay had driven Spencer to the hospital the next day. Spencer could tell he wanted to say something, anything to make her feel better. But there were no words, and they both knew it. Spencer had never been scared going to see Ashley, but she looks down at her hands when she pushes the elevator button and they won't stop shaking.

Spencer nears Ashley's room and sees Dr. Bryce. She'd met him a few times and he'd been Ashley's primary physician since she'd been diagnosed. He was speaking to a man outside Ashley's room. A man with a shock of white hair and too much eyeliner. Spencer had never met Ashley's father but knew him when she saw him.

Spencer stops in front of Mr. Davies. She tells him she's a friend of his daughter's and is she up for visitors. Dr. Bryce excuses himself and Spencer takes a good look at Ashley's dad. He looks every bit the aging rock star. But he looks like a father too. Spencer can see the lines of worry etched in his face and the same concern she sees in her father's eyes. But she remembers all the bad things Ashley's told her about him and Spencer doesn't know whether to feel sorry for him or hate him like Ashley says she does. She decides on indifference and lets him lead her into Ashley's room.

Spencer isn't sure what to expect. She tries to brace herself for the worst but when she sees Ashley in bed scribbling in a worn notebook and listening to her iPod, Spencer releases a breath she didn't know she was holding and smiles because aside from the oxygen tubes and a fresh IV line, Ashley doesn't look any different.

Spencer sits down across from Ashley and as close as she can. She wants to take Ashley's hand but she knows Ashley's father is right behind her and isn't sure if she should. But Ashley beats her to it and grabs Spencer's hand as soon as it's within reach. They don't notice when Mr. Davies slips out.

Spencer's afraid to ask because she already knows the answer. "What's going on, Ash?" Spencer doesn't look around the room. If she did, she'd see all the new machines there, allbeeping and whirring and foreboding like some macabre band. If Spencer doesn't see it, she can pretend it isn't there. If she doesn't see it then she won't answer her own question.

Ashley takes a deep breath but it's shaky. "They got my cultures back. From therapy last week. They weren't looking until after last night or else they would've seen it." Spencer closes her eyes at this. "Another lung infection."

"But they--they can fix that," Spencer looks up and even she can hear the hope in her voice. "They can give you medicine, right?"

Ashley shakes her head so imperceptibly that Spencer almost misses it. "It's not just the infection. They can't treat viruses with antibiotics. And it's spreading."

"So, what does that mean?" Spencer's eyes are closed again. Screwed tight against hot tears she can't stop.

And then Ashley whispers. And Spencer never knew six words could make her feel so bad. "You know what it means, Spencer."

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It'd only been a week when Ashley's lungs had failed. Spencer sat vigil as Ashley was put on life support. Ashley looked like she was sleeping. Sleeping through everything. Ashley's parents and Spencer each took turns at Ashley bedside. When Spencer wasn't there, she was in the chapel. Praying. Begging. Mostly begging. And that last night she'd held Ashley's hand until it went cold, pink polish still on the tiny nails.

Ashley's parents, Spencer's parents, Aiden, even a couple of the doctors and nurses were in tears. Ashley had told her that she wasn't scared anymore. Ashley had asked her not to cry, and Spencer didn't have any tears left. She just let go and walked away, she didn't look back. But she thinks a stronger person would've cried. And she wishes she could be as brave as Ashley.

**A/N: Okay, that was it. My next post will be an epilogue that's supposed to tie it up and be happier, at least in terms of closure and whatnot. Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think.**


	8. Epilogue

**A/N: This is a little epilogue-y closure-type chapter thing. Wrapping it up basically. You'll find out just what was wrong with Ashley. I didn't proofread it because I finished it at 11:30 and I'm hella tired, so try to ignore and typos. Thanks to all those who reviewed, it means a lot that you took the time to read my story that I'm really quite proud of.**

-Epilogue-

Spencer didn't leave her room for three days after the incident. Even though it's been a year now, since it happened. That's what she refers to it as in her head; an incident. Because it still doesn't seem real. Not Ashley. Not _her_ Ashley. But she knows it was. Spencer had seen it happen and still she'd refused to believe it. She'd thought she'd prepared herself for that. She'd known from the very beginning that it would end up like that. But she'd honestly thought she'd have more time. Spencer had done the research. That first day she'd met Ashley. When Ashley had looked up at her through sooty eyelashes and smiled and Spencer had felt it, even then. She'd asked her mother as casually as she could exactly what Cystic Fibrosis was. And after her mother had explained most of it, Spencer had spent two hours online reading more. So Spencer felt robbed. She should've had more time with Ashley. And then Spencer felt guilty for being so selfish because _Ashley _should've had more time with _her_.

So then Spencer was mad. She'd decided to blame everyone and everything she could because she didn't know what else to do. She knew she was being mean, she knew she was wrong, and she knew she was hurting people who didn't deserve it but Spencer really couldn't bring herself to care because Ashley was _gone_. Gone. And Spencer just wanted to stop feeling that way. She'd wanted her brothers to stop looking like they weren't allowed to be happy when she wasn't because she knew it was hollow. She'd wanted her dad to stop trying to hug her so much because the arms she'd wanted to feel around her weren't his. She'd wanted her mother to stop saying that Ashley was just a lost soul and had strayed from the path because Ashley wasn't lost. Ashley had been right next to Spencer for not nearly long enough and she'd just wanted eveyone to stop pretending they understood.

Spencer had fought with her dad. She hadn't wanted to, but he'd been talking to her like he knew, when he'd had no idea. "Spencer, I can imagine how you feel," he'd said. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

That made Spencer angry. Her dad had never lost _anyone_. All the family and friends he'd known were still alive, still around. "How can you say that to me?" she'd yelled. "You have no idea how I feel! You never lost anyone. You and mom got divorced, you _chose_ to leave her." She hadn't wanted to say hurtful things, but she'd just been hurting so much. "Ashley _died._ She's gone and she is not coming back, so don't think for a second that you have any idea how I feel." And Spencer had stormed off to her room, collapsing on her bed and crying tears that were long overdue.

When the tears subsided, Spencer was thinking again. About time. And about how that's all there is and there isn't enough of it. She'd remebered that first day she'd met Ashley and remembered knowing that that moment was big. Spencer thought that she knew when those brown eyes had met blue that Ashley was the one. And Spencer believes that there's a person, that you meet and you can say, "This is the person I want to spend the rest of my time on this earth with." And if you miss it, or walk away, or even blink, it can pass you by and all you're left with is time.

Time is all Spencer has now. Time comes softly, creeping up like a surprise in the dark. Beside us for a while, and then gone all too soon. Spencer glances at the clock and watches the seconds tick by. That's how time moves now--an hour here, a day there, and then it's night and then it's morning. One day at a time. That's the only way Spencer knows how.

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After Ashley's funeral, Mrs. Davies had approached Spencer. Spencer hadn't even wanted to go to the funeral. She hated funerals. And she didn't want to remember Ashley that way. But her dad had said she'd needed closure so she'd gone to pay her respects. After the service, when Spencer was ready to leave because she couldn't handle the viewing, Ashley's mother had stopped her in the parking lot. She'd had that tote bag that had been buried at the bottom of Ashley's closet and had handed it to Spencer, saying that Ashley had wanted Spencer to have some things. Spencer hadn't been able to bring herself to go through the bag until now. She's still not sure she's ready but it's been a year and she thinks she's as ready as she'll ever be.

Spencer sits on her bed, the bag in her lap. She tried to open it once, the day after she got it. She'd looked inside it and found the sweatshirts she'd let Ashley borrow the first time they went to the beach. After that, she had to put the bag under the bed because it was just too soon. Now she thinks she can do it. So she pulls the sweatshirts out and she swears they still smell like ocean and Ashley's perfume. Ashley's lime-green iPod was under the sweatshirts. Spencer turns it on and there's just one playlist, all her and Ashley's favorites; "Songs About Us." Spencer presses play and puts in the earphones. Then there's a picture they took out in the hospital's courtyard. On one of Ashley's good days, back when they were just friends. They blew kisses at the camera and Spencer's pretty sure it's the only picture of her and Ashley together. Spencer sets it on the nightstand next to her bed so it'll be the first thing she sees when she wakes up.

There's a black velvet box at the bottom of the bag and Spencer can guess what's in it. She wishes Ashley would've kept it. But when she opens the box, the pick on the chain isn't blue, it's chocolate brown, and Spencer smiles. Her name's in gold and the note pressed into the box says, "Now we match." Spencer pulls the necklace around her neck before reaching for the final item in the bag. It takes a second before Spencer can place it, but she remembers the old notebook Ashley had so fiercely been scribbling in that day. It's old and tattered and written on. The pages are all thumbed and dogeared and Spencer feels her chest tighten when she sees Ashley's handwritting. She hears David Gray as she's opening it.

There's a note to Spencer inside:

_Dear Spencer,_

_I wanted you to have some stuff. And this notebook means a lot to me, so hold on to it for me, okay? There are some things I want you to know about me. I can't always say them, so I write them down. It's all in here, from when I was little. Everything. The good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly. I want you to know all of me because I'm yours, heart and soul. The last song, I wrote for you. So just close your eyes and it'll be like I'm singing to you. You have no idea how much I love you, Spence. But I bet you could ballpark it. Do me a favor? Be strong for me, Spencer. I know you don't want to but I know you can. It sucks, but it'll make you better. You'll be happy again. One day, it won't hurt so much and you'll smile. I love you. So much. Thank you for being part of my life._

_Yours always,_

_Ashley._

Ashley's notebook is full of poems and lyrics and journal entries and a lot of it is pretty heavy. It scares Spencer a little, but then she finds entires about her. About the day they met. About the moment Ashley knew she loved Spencer. About their time together. Spencer reads them all over and over until the words won't stay on the page. Then she decides she needs to see Ashley. She doesn't go to the cemetary. It's dark and cold and creepy there and Ashley never liked them anyway. Spencer goes to the beach. Their beach. When Spencer sits at the water's edge, she watches the sun sink below the waves. She buries her bare feet in the sand and wiggles her pink-painted toes.

Spencer breathes in deep the salty air and can almost smell Ralph Lauren perfume. If she sits still, she can almost feel Ashley next to her. Spencer feels better now. She looks out at the water and smiles. She's not worried anymore. She not scared or angry. She knows she'll be okay. She knows Ashley's okay. Because Ashley's not gone. Ashley's a seagull. Out there flying. And free.

**A/N: That's all she wrote. Thanks for sticking with it and for all the feedback. I hope you weren't disappointed. I worked really hard on this fic and I'm glad for those who enjoyed it. If you haven't already, hit that little review button and tell me what you think.**


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